eyesight, good grief, loss of parent, mommyhood, self-discovery

Progress

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Full Speed’s eye testing today was phenomenal. It is the best I have ever seen him do. He was rattling off tiny letters like he had been doing it his whole life (which he has not). I finally broke down a little in the exam room. It still hasn’t totally connected in my heart that his vision has improved significantly. I keep waiting for someone to jump out and say that it’s a joke and that he still is considered legally blind.

There are no words. There are no words that a mother can say to properly describe the overwhelming desire for her children to have clear vision. My psyche cannot process that this day of clear sight is finally here. Both my boys are on track for excellent vision. Unbelievable.

Today even T.Puzzle wowed at his regular check-up. We had scheduled it months before Full Speed had his surgery so we piggy-backed Full Speed’s post-op with this  appointment. T.Puzzle was identifying letters like a firecracker. The nurse of course was impressed that a two year old knew his letters so well (thank you pre-school and Sesame Street!) and fawned over him when he said the letter ‘F’ as ‘efp’ (it was pretty adorable).

It felt like I was in another exam room with different children (and thank you to my Mother-in-law who accompanied me and supported us today). This was the first time the eye tests were a breeze for both of them (as we have finally pinpointed T.Puzzle’s prescription and what a long road that was!). I felt like I imagine a majority of the population feels when they take their kids in for check-ups and the doctor has them read the simple eye-chart. I felt like of course they can identify a tiny letter ‘B’ from across the room. That’s just what kids do. And now, it’s what MY kids do. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief.

The progress for my boys is remarkable. I feel like I also made some progress on my own path towards healing. Today I purposefully chose to wear a necklace that my Mom had given me a couple years ago. It is flowery and blue which happen to be two of my favorite artistic components of expression. I did not feel sad as I placed it around my throat and hooked the clasp shut. I felt empowered and loved. She had wanted good vision for my boys as badly as I do. I embraced what I felt to be her presence and I smiled. I am doubly thankful that now my boys will be able to see their Mommy’s smile clearly.

My prayer is one of thanks today. Some tears have fallen, but they have been tears of gratitude and deeply felt love. Whether it was seen, felt or heard, love was all around us.

humor, mommyhood, parenting

Train Stop

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Lunch was mostly pleasant. We have a weekly ritual of going out for pizza. It is the one place nearby that has outdoor seating. Out of doors is always the better option when dining with the boys. Full Speed and I engaged in a lengthy discussion about who had the more refreshing beverage. We tested both of ours and his fruit punch won hands down beating Mommy’s water (of course!).

To lengthen our outing which is always the objective, we headed for a lovely drive in the convertible over the great bridge to the bookstore. Mad Dog wanted to get a book he had recently read about and then T.Puzzle and Full Speed could play at the infamous train table.

Things went wrong at the get-go. There was only one engine available to play with and it got ugly between the two boys fast. Neither boy was interested in the other crummy cargo cars. In fact T.Puzzle was so angry at the prospect of sharing an engine with Full Speed, he let out some high-voltage screams. He was so loud that Mad Dog heard him from the other side of the store. Mad Dog came back to restore order.  His attempt was futile.

I eventually convinced Full Speed to use a car from the diaper bag. Of course I had to frame it like this, “Oh, there is no way you are going to like this race car Full Speed. You aren’t going to want to use this at all.” Since it seemed mildly defiant to him, he agreed to play with it. I thought we were making progress.

Since Full Speed was harboring some resentment towards T.Puzzle for having ownership of the lone engine, he began to obnoxiously lap T.Puzzle around the table. Every time he would barrel upon him, he would yell and make sure to ‘tap’ his brother on his head with his race car. He would then leap over T.Puzzle in such a dramatic fashion that it drove little T.Puzzle nuts. He kept shouting, “No front of me, Full Speed! No front of me!” Then he would crumble to the floor in a pile of tears.

At one point, I was perusing the young adult section hoping to find something of interest for me and Full Speed. I am more than ready to start reading him fun, chapter novels but am unsure if his comprehension and attention level are up to that. I am ready to move on from Transformers books and other kiddie-type fare.

I had managed to move around a corner where I could clearly see the entrance to the kids’ section and could unmistakably hear both of them (as could the entire store and surrounding counties). Full Speed panicked a little when he lost sight of me.

“MOM, where are you?” he asked.

“I’m right here,” I replied.

“Oh, I thought you had left.” He was clearly relieved.

Granted, leaving seemed like a lovely option at that point but I stuck it out. They couldn’t be T.Puzzle and Full Speed without me.

humor, marital blissishness, mommyhood, parenting

Breaking the Fast

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Mad Dog was scared when he walked in the door Friday night. I had reached my limit of patience with the boys. I had Full Speed upstairs screaming in his room because he had repeatedly run over T.Puzzle with a rather large, blue Lego truck. I was on my way back downstairs when I saw Mad Dog’s silhouette through our glass door. I walked forcifully to the door and opened it with much anger. Of course I wasn’t angry at him or the door. I was frustrated with Mommyhood.

Mad Dog cautiously stepped over the threshold and commented that it looked like I was ready to stab him. I resent that because at the time, I wasn’t even holding a knife. Mad Dog was puzzled why I was so on edge. He figured because I only had Full Speed for the day as T.Puzzle was in school (and Full Speed had visited Grandma for a couple hours in the morning to give me a break), that I should be calm, cool and collected.

I could see his point. I could also see mine. Mine had more to do with the fact that the days surrounding Full Speed’s surgery had put me on such a heightened Mommy Mode that I was completely burned out. I liken it to that hyper-awareness you have with a newborn. It was as if my mental self had completely immersed itself into Full Speed. If he so much as hiccupped I had water, honey and a soothing hug to help him through it. Anything he needed I had for him. Anything he wanted I made sure he got. I did it partly because that’s what Mommy’s do. I also did it to ease his suffering going through so many complicated medical procedures and testing. I was exhausted.

I was frustrated too that Mad Dog wasn’t validating this experience. So, the next morning when it was time for breakfast, I was more than happy to let Mad Dog take over with the boys. Eventually, I heard a lot of chaos, crying and fighting so I went downstairs to investigate.

The boys and I have a solid routine for breakfast and they were voicing their displeasure that Mad Dog was doing it wrong. I was upset. Not because my boys are slightly OCD concerning routines, but because it is solely up to me to know the ins and outs of these routines. I’m the one who knows what kind of waffles they can and can’t eat (T.Puzzle is allergic to eggs so he requires a special brand), how many sausages they prefer (it’s two links) and that they always have a fresh side of fruit. I also make sure they have vitamins, have brushed teeth, are properly sun-screened, eye-glasses cleaned etc. Most of the time I handle these details with aplomb. However, this morning that was not the case.

Through this pandemonium I think it clicked for Mad Dog that our guys are certainly a handful. I think he noted the dazed and crazed look in my eyes, too. He graciously offered to let me have a break in the afternoon while he watched the Buckeyes with Grandpa and the boys (thank you, thank you!). I decided to go to a movie.

It was magical. I mean, the movie wasn’t great (Love Happens, I recommend renting it or watching it on pay-per-view on a rainy afternoon) but it was completely liberating. It felt like I could breathe for the first time in well over a week. I loved that it was dark, quiet and the only needs I had to care for were my own. I loved that the movie had decidedly feminine themes and was ladened with cheese.

I’m going to need to work on having more balance moving forward for Full Speed’s second surgery. Or Mad Dog may very well need to hide all of our knives until then.

humor, mommyhood

What’s in a Name?

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I was on the phone with one of my fans yesterday. Well, she’s a good friend and she normally calls me anyway so I’m not sure if that counts. I guess she technically reads my blog with intermittent regularity so that does qualify (slightly) as a phone call from fan. She had called me while I was in the process of preparing a complicated meal (okay, it was chicken nuggets and tater tots) for the boys. She knew it wouldn’t be the most convenient time in my day as we were nearing dinner; she just happened to have a few spare moments and took a shot.

Of course my boys were starving and beating on each other relentlessly. T.Puzzle was melting down and I could barely form a coherent sentence into the phone. After about ten minutes, my friend and I gave up on the phone call and she told me to call her when my life had settled down. I told her I couldn’t do that, I like her too much. If I waited until my life had settled down, T.Puzzle and Full Speed would be college age. She laughed at that. She’s a good friend and she thinks I’m funny (even better).

She also is curious why I don’t have a nickname for myself in my blog. I told her it’s because I am the creator and since it’s from my point of view a nickname is unnecessary. If I did have nickname it might be Double D (not only my initials but extremely ironic if you know what my figure looks like), Sweet Cheeks (catchy isn’t it?) or Hot Mama (no irony intended). Still, I think for now, I will go nickname-less. Of course, if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Try to steer away from ‘Double A’ because that would clearly hurt my feelings (I’m very sensitive and the truth hurts).

Nickname or not, I’m still very much Mommy. Full Speed and I have been spending loads of time together on this adventure to excellent vision. Today (since he is still home from school) he requested a date night with his Mom at Applebee’s (which meant lunch without Mad Dog or T.Puzzle). Full Speed thinks it’s the coolest thing in the world to go on a date with his Mom. I think it’s pretty cool, too! I’m hopeful he won’t feel the same when it’s time for his prom. That could be awkward. Especially if he saw my interpretation of the Electric Slide.

humor, mommyhood, parenting

Don’t Shoot

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Could someone please explain to me that while it was Full Speed that went under the knife, I’m the one who is not recovering very well? I’m tired and cranky. I need a nap. Unfortunately, I’m the only one in my house that does.

Full Speed has been a chock full of energy and back to his old self. He has started in with his million and one questions per day quota and has again been asking me to spell out everything. I love that he is curious about letters and spelling but is it necessary for me to spell ‘Incredible Hulk’ ten times a day? At least I know he is feeling good. His eye looks great and he only took Tylenol twice post-op. I couldn’t ask for more.

I have both boys with me today and I decided that we should stay close to home to give Full Speed some more recovery time. I am writing this in the eleventh hour of my very long day wishing Mad Dog would hurry up and get home.

The good news is the boys are already bathed. I did separate baths because I wanted to keep the bathing environment more controlled for Full Speed’s post-surgery eyeball. While I was bathing T.Puzzle, Full Speed kept running in and out of the closet shouting, “HERE I AM!” I could tell his energy level was on the verge of exploding so I tried my best to ignore him (I want him as calm as possible so that he may heal well). It did not matter if I paid attention or not, he continued this nonsense for a solid ten minutes. The plus was that I always knew exactly where he was.

After T.Puzzle was bathed and P.J.ed and while I was dressing Full Speed post bath, he informed me that he was glad T.Puzzle was borrowing his Cars pajamas. Full Speed has sort of lost interest in the Cars characters as he gets older and he likes to share his Cars clothing with T.Puzzle.  I complimented Full Speed on what a thoughtful big brother he was. I told him he was an excellent sharer. He got quiet and thoughtful for a minute. “When I have my birthday and get a gun for a present can I share it with T.Puzzle?” This may be the one instance where sharing could backfire in a major way.

Sometimes it’s easier to agree than fight his thought process. I was thankful at least he was willing to share his firearm. He will be the most thoughtful gangster on the block.