No matter what is going on in your life, you can’t helped but get sucked into the enthusiasm of children on Halloween.
Hope you had a Happy Halloween!
Thomas and Boba Fett
Category: gratitude
My Bucket List
I was at my book club last night discussing our latest novel when I brought up the subject of a bucket list. The themes of the story we read appropriately sparked asking the group ‘what’s on your bucket list?’ Most had an idea and most were travel related.
I had nothing. I have no list. I can only think as far as to what to feed my kids for their next meal.
My husband has dreams and goals. Some are football related, others have to do with career success and preparing for our family’s financial future.
Even my boys are goal-directed. T.Puzzle is looking forward to going to kindergarten when the time comes and Full-Speed has his sights set on learning to read and write (or his version of writing).
And, me? I got nothing.
I have nowhere to travel (the thought overwhelms me, who would watch my kids anyway? And to take them with? That’s not travel, that’s what we call ‘over-time’ in Mommy-speak), no career goals (unless you count keeping my children alive on a daily basis as a goal) and no idea what my future holds.
This is not a complaint. It is an observation. Motherhood inevitably blurs the line of your identity with your children. You are forced to put yourself on the back burner. I understand that and it has taken many years (some days are better than others mind you) to be at peace with it.
So essentially what I’m saying is, for the sake and value of my own self, that my number one item on my bucket list is to…
make a bucket list.
Yes and No
My gut reaction is always ‘no’. I do not like to be spontaneous. I like plans and think that sticking to them prevents meltdowns and unnecessary drama. This is my weak attempt at controlling life. Do routines and plans give me comfort? Yes. Do these routines and plans always work out how I want them to? No.
Part of evolving as a woman and a parent you have to look at yourself and try to make some changes. You have to look at all parts of the whole. Some of these parts are not so great. How do you know when you’ve found a not so great part? When you examine it you feel uncomfortable in the pit of your stomach. That uneasy feeling is your signal you’ve hit pay dirt.
My hidden issue is control. Growing up I learned to endure an often challenging environment by becoming an impossible perfectionist. Spontaneity doesn’t really jive with this.
So, why did I marry someone like Mad Dog? He is at heart a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy.
I married him because somewhere deep down I knew my cookie-cutter ways needed to be challenged.
Yesterday when we were on our way to the outlet mall to buy Full Speed some long pants Mad Dog said, “Let’s see if we can find you a dress and take the boys to a nice dinner.”
Oh, well let me tell you every part of my being screamed ‘no!’. I was in exercise gear, no make-up and hair disastrously unwashed (I was wearing a baseball cap no less!). I tried to imagine finding a flattering dress, trying it on, having it actually fit all the while keeping my boys from wreaking insane havoc on the store and its patrons. I started to sweat, my heart rate increased and my anxiety shot through the roof.
But, I didn’t say no.
I made the conscious effort to know this is my first instinct, and while it has been my coping mechanism in the past, my life is such that I don’t need ‘no’ as a crutch in the same way.
Okay, there was one point when I was agonizing over the size and color of the dress and T.Puzzle and Full Speed were running boisterous laps that I was about ready to throw my hands up in defeat. Instead I pushed through. I found a dress, we grabbed some nice shirts for Mad Dog and the boys and went and had a fancy ocean side dinner.
Change is good. In fact, it’s ocean breeze-awsome scallops-good wine-great company fantastic.
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Twice the Fun
Mad Dog is home! Hurray!
We are all glad he is here but I have a question. Why is it that even though I spent 24/7 with my boys over the past several days, they still insist on being attached to my hip even though their Dad is home?
While Mad Dog was watching the Buckeyes and the boys were building a train track, I attempted escape to the lanai to write my blog post. I soon had a visitor. Not only did he have to sit near me, he had to sit practically on top of me.
And then there were two…
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Perfect
When Mad Dog is out of town for work, I decide this is the time in which not only do I have to be supermom, but I have to do it perfectly. My belief system, as crazy as it sounds, deems it necessary that if I can keep my boys happy and smiling while Mad Dog is away, then I must be doing my ‘job’ right.
Let me say it right now. This is insane.
So what if Full Speed is angry I made him wear a jacket to school this morning (it was cold, yes, 60 degrees in Florida is considered cold)? So what if T.Puzzle pouts because I didn’t have his favorite kind of pancake readily available for breakfast (Confetti Pancakes by Aunt Jemima in case you are wondering)? Oh, and let’s not forget my minor meltdown because Full Speed’s new teacher scheduled an open house with only three days notice. It took a phone call to my sister who thankfully answered to tell me what to do. It was so simple. Skip karate, have Mad Dog’s Dad watch the boys and go to the open house alone. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Why didn’t I see this simple solution? Because my inner perfect Mommy critic told me I needed to take
my boys to karate like I promised Mad Dog. He didn’t know there was an open house when he left and neither did I. For some reason, I couldn’t deviate from my original plan. My sister gave me the permission I needed so I could.
Thank goodness my sister was a voice of calm reason. I guess that’s why if you are lucky enough to have one, you are infinitely blessed because they can come through for you in the most unexpected and very appreciated ways.
Maybe I can let my inner critic soften a little bit or at least offer her a shot of tequila (I mean loosen up, girl!), and stop looking at how I am falling short of perfection. I need to flip my belief system upside down.
How about all the times Full Speed and T.Puzzle shared a genuine giggle with me while Mad Dog is away? Or how ‘Dust Buster Tag’ is their new favorite pasttime (my floors are cleaner for it)? Or how about the basic fact that they are clothed, fed, bathed and quite simply loved (even when they are angry and/or pouting)?
Love is patient, love is kind…, it’s anything you want it to be except perfect.
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