Category: self-discovery

children, mommyhood, self-discovery

Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be)

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I want little T.Puzzle to be completely potty-trained. I want Full Speed to ride his bike without training wheels. I would like world peace, extraordinary culinary skills and a personal butler named Gerard. None of these things are happening. The potty thing just isn’t clicking for T.Puzzle and Full Speed is as uninterested as can be about losing the training wheels.

This frustrates me beyond all measure. I take it personally if little T.Puzzle has a messy accident. It hurts me that I can’t teach Full Speed this new life skill of two-wheel bike riding.

Since I can’t change how things are, all I can do is change my perspective, right? Will it matter in five years when exactly they master these milestones?

Nope.

Not one little bit.

So, to recap, T.Puzzle’s back in pull-ups and Full Speed’s riding lessons have been postponed indefinitely.

I feel better already.

loss of parent, self-discovery

Along the Way

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Today is a sad day. It is the one year anniversary of when my Mom died.

She was a kind and generous soul and had a smile that could light up the world.

Here is a picture of her when she was a senior in college. She was so unassumingly beautiful and quiet. I think this picture captures that perfectly.

I miss her a lot.

When I ‘talk’ to her now, I do know what she would say. I guess being lucky enough to have a wonderful Mom for 34 years, you learn a thing or two along the way.

children, mommyhood, self-discovery

Who We Really Are

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Have you ever pondered why the only prerequisite to parenthood is that you are human?  So many of us eventually have children whether by choice, miracle or accident. How do you know if you are any good at it? How much of how your children turn out falls on your shoulders? I wrestle with these thoughts all the time.  Is my boys’ behavior, both good and bad, a direct result of me? Or, are they just who they are and they happened to fall into my family much like a lottery winner stumbles upon their fortune?

Parenting is not black or white. It doesn’t tidy-up into neat compartments of do this or don’t do that. Each child is unique as are the parents, the environment, genetics,…. the variables are infinite.

I know I am succeeding in many areas of parenting and falling short in others. As I have learned from my own parents and now am starting to truly believe, parenting mistakes aren’t the end of the world. Maybe, just maybe, despite all the mistakes that I might be making as a parent, T.Puzzle and Full Speed may turn out alright after all. Maybe it’s the mistakes that will show them who they really are. I already know they are fantastic, but it’s up to them to discover that for themselves.

children, gratitude, loss of parent, self-discovery

Happy New Year

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2009 was a landmark year for me. In the spring I lost my mother to cancer, and then into the fall my oldest son, Full Speed, braved two tedious eye surgeries and came through with much improved vision. The event that shaped the year the most was the loss of my mother. The grief process has been long and complicated. I have learned that the more you love someone, the harder it is to let go of them no matter how complex the relationship was while they were here. I also learned that the more you have to rely on your own strength to get through a day, the more you realize you actually have a lot more than you initially thought.

The most exciting and anxiety producing moments revolved around Full Speed’s eye surgeries. I learned that when you don’t know the ultimate outcome of a medical situation to always choose hope. It gets you through the moment and when you realize your most desperate prayer has been heard, you feel a mixture of relief and a certainty that you knew it would be alright all a long.

As for T.Puzzle, as much as I resisted it, the terrible twos will keep on going into the threes. Most likely I will have to wait until he is five before I can safely and confidently take him in public. I had always wished my second child would be slightly easier to manage and in some ways he is, but ultimately an even-tempered child is not in the cards for me.

Having survived loss, uncertainty, tantrums and joy, I am most grateful to have the ultimate partner in parenthood and marriage, Mad Dog. When I started my little blog that could several months ago, Mad Dog’s support has been a constant source of comfort and inspiration. His patience as I grieve for my Mom and my attempts to successfully parent our boys is remarkable. I love that I am creating a life with a man I love so much.

And, last but certainly not least, is this amazing blog. I started it for the simple reason that writing for me is like breathing. It is an absolute joy for me to sit at my computer and share my thoughts. As a stay-at-home mom it gives me a voice. I hope that my readers can find themselves in this voice. Hopefully you can relate, if not I hope that at least you can find the humor that surrounds us always. I’m excited to see where my boys take me in this New Year (hopefully not to the looney bin) and I hope you keep on reading.

Whether you are a man or woman, married or single, or a parent or not, life’s adventures always have a universal theme of love connecting them together. All anyone ever wants is to love and be loved. Everything else is just gravy.

kids, mommyhood, self-discovery

Life Balance

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The boys had been home all day. This is a recipe for disaster. Mad Dog had wanted to watch his Steelers in the afternoon and I went to see a movie. When I returned home, swords were flying, T.Puzzle was crying in spurts and the energy level within our home had reached a dangerous level. Since the football game was winding down I suggested we take them to dinner.

We decide to take them to the recently opened Panera. The boys are wild once we are inside and I have to drag them to a booth so Mad Dog can order in peace. They are boisterously loud with their assorted cars and train engines. I try to shush them to no avail.

“Mom, it’s the CARS that are being loud, not US,” explains Full Speed.

Whatever.

The food comes and T.Puzzle decides he hates his food and his drink. He is shimmying up and down and all around the booth. I’m trying to breathe deeply to cope. All I really want to do is staple him to his seat and force him to eat his overpriced grilled cheese. Alas, no stapler is handy so,……deep breaths instead.

“Mom, I have a surprise for you when we get home,” says Full Speed.

“Is it a nanny?” I ask.

“No, it’s my soccer game,” he replies. I know that sounds adorable but the soccer game is one that he got in his stocking and he doesn’t like it. It frustrates him because he can’t master it. Therefore he is constantly “giving” it to me and his brother.

I had that moment in the booth where I wished my life was different. I wished my boys were calm and mild-mannered. I wished that I could eat a meal from start to finish without having to pay a babysitter or wait until nine o’clock at night to do so. I wished that my boys shared their thoughts and emotions in quiet tones and only cried because they were genuinely sad and not genuinely throwing a manipulative tantrum (such as the one T.Puzzle was currently presenting to me).

Those wishes are far off and possibly may never happen. All I have to survive on is the hope that someday I will find my equilibrium in motherhood and that the personal sacrifices I have made (and they are different for every Mom and every caretaker out there) are worth it. Keep reading and let’s hope that together we find that balance in all our lives….