Tag: love

good grief, loss of parent

The Color of Love

WFAM

Today we are officially celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday. All of my in-laws have safely arrived and we will have our big meal this afternoon. The boys are having the time of their lives with all their cousins (all boys, the wine will be flowing which goes without saying).

I’m not going to lie. I have been struggling with the holiday season as I’m sure you all might have guessed. It’s approaching nine months since my Mom passed and I have managed a good amount of healing but the major holidays bring my grief back into acute focus. This is because of her glaring absence and also the collected memories of holidays past shared with her.

I need to acknowledge Mad Dog’s patience with me during all of this. My intense (and often unpredictable) emotional state has been less than pleasant. I have to come to appreciate that glimmer of fear in his eyes anytime that he interacts with me. He knows even a simple question like, “What are you doing today?” could potentially set me off. Oh, grief, what a strange and complicated process! Thank you for putting up with me.

To honor my Mom today I am doing something out of character (no, I am not taking up pole dancing, sorry Mad Dog). I am painting my lips a bold red. My Mom was not a person to fuss with her outward appearance (regardless, she was extremely beautiful). She didn’t care to shop, dress-up or wear make-up. She was more concerned about college football scores or spending time outside. However, on the rare occasion we could get her to dress-up, she would apply her single tube of stately red lipstick. I hope that the lipsticked kiss I am sending towards the heavens reaches her today and that I find the one she’s sending me with at least some of the color and all of the love intact.

happiness, marital blissishness

Good Company

WFAM

We had a spur of the moment date night. Our babysitter learned her work schedule and realized she had some availability last night. I learned this at about 5:30pm. I had taken the boys to the park and was on my way home to make them dinner. It still amazes me that phrases like ‘don’t sit on that boy’s head’ or ‘stop tackling your brother on top of the slide’ are used with regularity. When will I say simple phrases like, ‘no’ or ‘time to go’ without a hint of a threat behind it? Never? Don’t answer; I need some denial to survive their boyhoods.

My day had been hectic. I was grateful both boys were at school as I prepared my home for our upcoming holiday guests. I was in high gear and stressed out. I knew once we all returned from the park I’d have laundry to organize and a list of other chores I wanted done before we left on our date. Through the chaos, I got almost everything done although at great personal sacrifice to my outward appearance. Let’s just say a t-shirt, stretchy black pants, minimalist make-up (a fancy way to say lip gloss only) and a pony-tail completed my high fashion ensemble. I didn’t care; I was going on a date!!

Mad Dog was a champ. He sat through a very long and in my opinion, very good New Moon. It was broody, forlorn and moved mostly at a snail’s pace (thank goodness for a couple action sequences with werewolves for poor Mad Dog’s sake). Mad Dog had even let the boys pick out an Edward doll for me at Target (that’s who they are posing with at breakfast) a couple days prior to show his support for my mild Twilight obsession (I say mild because it’s nothing compared to my SATC obsession).

As we sat in the darkened theater I realized marriage is a lot like going to the movies. Sometimes you both agree on what movie to see and sometimes you have to let your partner decide. It’s just nice to have company no matter what you choose.

children, gratitude, loss of parent, self-discovery, self-image/self-acceptance

Zits Happen

WFAM

I have a bone to pick with my beloved ‘People’ magazine. This week’s issue has an article highlighting Demi Moore and her uncanny ability to seemingly be aging in reverse. Don’t misunderstand me. I think she is an example of as you uncover the truth of yourself, you shine internally and externally. I love that her husband is several years younger and I aspire to be a smidgeon of that gorgeous when I am forty-seven (hey, miracles happen, right?). The article claims she’s never had plastic surgery (okay I can buy that) and splashes her upcoming December ‘W’ magazine cover as part of their pictorial. She looks incredible and about twenty-two years old.

I’m sure in person she is quite beautiful but they clearly forgot to mention the air brushing and photo shopping that went into this magnificent photo. I suppose they aren’t totally responsible for feeding into a hard-pressed quest for perfection. I mean it is the nature of the celebrity, youth-obsessed, cultural beast. If I ever have the chance to get on the cover of a magazine (so likely, I know), I say photo-shop away. I’m only saying this because on my recent family portrait sitting, our photographer photo-corrected one picture of me so I could see if I liked it (yes, sir, may I have another!). I looked at least five (maybe ten) years younger (he calls it digital Botox) and it appeared as if my face hadn’t seen the likes of a zit in twenty years (which is not the case because I grew a new one yesterday, last week and the week before that). All I’m saying is I want to look the best I possibly can for whatever age I am and apparently, air brushing can make that all possible. I just wish magazines would attempt to bring some realism into their photos. Aging can be beautiful. It brings wisdom, inner strength and experience. Let’s try our best to embrace it, one tired Mommy at a time.

Okay, I just stepped down (you know, off my soapbox and all). Now, back to my family portrait. Mad Dog and I made it into the studio to pick out our favorites pa183403(with two adorable boys that pretty much encompasses every, single photo)pa183383. The photographer pulled the best of the best and set it to music. He had it projected on to a huge wall and it was everything I could do to not break down and start weeping uncontrollably. Why? Because I love my three boys more than anything else on earth and when you feel a love like that, you gasp as it takes your breath away.

I also was overwhelmed with the knowledge in my heart that my Mom wouldn’t be sharing in these photos at all. I didn’t have to order her a single one (normally, I ordered her just as much as I ordered myself). This made me infinitely sad.

I was an emotional wreck by the time our photo choosing was complete. I felt I had run through a rainbow of feelings and it was quite stressful. So much in fact, I think I feel another zit coming on.

children, gratitude, mommyhood

Love; the Most Sustainable Resource

WFAM

I can’t stay crabby forever in the presence of my boys. They are entertaining even if it’s by default.

This morning I asked Full Speed to put some items in our recycle bins in the garage. The point is that he begins to contribute to the upkeep of the house and it lends me a hand. He runs over to the sink, I hand him the items and he exits through the laundry room to what I presume to be the garage. He’s awfully quick and races back to his comfy chair to finish watching ‘Dinosaur Train’ before school.

Mid-morning after Full Speed has been dropped off, I put on Sesame Street for T.Puzzle  and go into our game room (the finished portion of our garage) to workout on the elliptical machine. As I program the machine I glance down and see a piece of cardboard lying next to it. It is the wrapping part of microwave mashed potatoes (yes, I know, I should stop this blog business and write a cookbook) like the kind we had last night. I hop off the elliptical for further investigation. I lean down to peer under the futon we have and what do I find? An empty box, container of milk and diet soda can. Apparently Full Speed couldn’t take the extra four steps to make it to the unfinished portion of our garage where we actually store our recyclables. Before I know it, I’m laughing. That is such typical ‘help’ a five year old boy will give you.

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I’m still chuckling as I get back to working out. T.Puzzle lasts about twenty minutes before he comes gallivanting in to ‘workout’ too. This never goes well. He always winds up getting himself into one precarious situation after the next. I problem solve it by putting on a Michael Buble’ video on my iPhone. It was a bonus for downloading his whole album (which is very good).

T.Puzzle loves music and this does the trick. He lies on the floor next to my phone and watches the video over and over. It has got to be one of the cutest things I have ever seen. My heart is warmed and my spirits are lifted. Life cannot possibly be any better than having boys who fill my life with chaos, laughter and most importantly love. We may not always get things right, but we always, always have each other.

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