Tag: loss of parent

life in pictures, loss of parent

The Best View

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This vacation has been pretty spectacular. I think some of the best parts of it have been the unplanned parts. The cabin we are staying in has a huge theater room and we have had many ‘double features’. The kids will watch a movie first and then we will all pile in for a family movie. Of course by the time the grown-ups arrive in the theater room, it is completely littered with popcorn. It’s almost as if the ceiling has opened up and a popcorn rain-shower ensued.

One of the other best parts is the view. The smoky mountains are absolutely beautiful. I’m not sure if I like it so much for the beauty, or for the knowledge that my Mom would have loved this view, too. She always loved the mountains and we will always, always love her.

loss of parent, self-discovery

Along the Way

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Today is a sad day. It is the one year anniversary of when my Mom died.

She was a kind and generous soul and had a smile that could light up the world.

Here is a picture of her when she was a senior in college. She was so unassumingly beautiful and quiet. I think this picture captures that perfectly.

I miss her a lot.

When I ‘talk’ to her now, I do know what she would say. I guess being lucky enough to have a wonderful Mom for 34 years, you learn a thing or two along the way.

good grief, loss of parent

17 Days

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I have to acknowledge this date of February 21st. Exactly a year ago was when my sister called me to tell me my Mom had stage IV pancreatic cancer. Mad Dog and I had returned from getting the boys haircuts and we were out on our lanai when I took the call. I dropped everything and was with my Mom and family by ten o’clock that night. When there was no one else around, my Mom and I stayed up late into the night and talked about life, love and death. She thanked me for being there and I said that I was honored to share this experience with her. It is something I will hold close to me for the rest of my life.

She was gone in 17 days.

I keep thinking of the memories that took place over those days. I comforted her, cared for her and loved her with everything I am. I helped her to be fearless and open to the possibility that what was happening could be beautiful. In very inexplicable ways, it was.

I still miss her every single day.

I love you, Mom.

children, gratitude, loss of parent, self-discovery

Happy New Year

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2009 was a landmark year for me. In the spring I lost my mother to cancer, and then into the fall my oldest son, Full Speed, braved two tedious eye surgeries and came through with much improved vision. The event that shaped the year the most was the loss of my mother. The grief process has been long and complicated. I have learned that the more you love someone, the harder it is to let go of them no matter how complex the relationship was while they were here. I also learned that the more you have to rely on your own strength to get through a day, the more you realize you actually have a lot more than you initially thought.

The most exciting and anxiety producing moments revolved around Full Speed’s eye surgeries. I learned that when you don’t know the ultimate outcome of a medical situation to always choose hope. It gets you through the moment and when you realize your most desperate prayer has been heard, you feel a mixture of relief and a certainty that you knew it would be alright all a long.

As for T.Puzzle, as much as I resisted it, the terrible twos will keep on going into the threes. Most likely I will have to wait until he is five before I can safely and confidently take him in public. I had always wished my second child would be slightly easier to manage and in some ways he is, but ultimately an even-tempered child is not in the cards for me.

Having survived loss, uncertainty, tantrums and joy, I am most grateful to have the ultimate partner in parenthood and marriage, Mad Dog. When I started my little blog that could several months ago, Mad Dog’s support has been a constant source of comfort and inspiration. His patience as I grieve for my Mom and my attempts to successfully parent our boys is remarkable. I love that I am creating a life with a man I love so much.

And, last but certainly not least, is this amazing blog. I started it for the simple reason that writing for me is like breathing. It is an absolute joy for me to sit at my computer and share my thoughts. As a stay-at-home mom it gives me a voice. I hope that my readers can find themselves in this voice. Hopefully you can relate, if not I hope that at least you can find the humor that surrounds us always. I’m excited to see where my boys take me in this New Year (hopefully not to the looney bin) and I hope you keep on reading.

Whether you are a man or woman, married or single, or a parent or not, life’s adventures always have a universal theme of love connecting them together. All anyone ever wants is to love and be loved. Everything else is just gravy.

children, good grief, loss of parent, mommyhood

That’s My Boy

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It is time for our annual termite inspection. The man responsible for this shows up unannounced at my doorstep. He tried to call but all he had on record was our previous, Wisconsin phone number. The boys are home and it will be an adventure for all of us.

The bug inspector is quite affable and is a Buckeye fan. He remembers that we are a home of Buckeyes and makes chit chat about the impending Ohio State vs. Michigan game (this is a big time rivalry). He also asks about my Mom. Seems the last time he was here inspecting, was the last time she was here, ever. I don’t want to get too personal but he keeps talking about her and eventually I have to disclose that she passed away in March. Full Speed is hanging on our every word.

“Grandma’s up in heaven,” he says. His eyes are wide and he comes up to me and grabs my hand. He tries to be such a little man sometimes.

The bug man says his apologies and comments on what a nice lady she was. He continues the job at hand. Once we get the all clear and payment is signed, I wish him a good day and hope that there isn’t a need for him to visit us until our next annual inspection.

As the day progresses into late afternoon, Full Speed drops a bit of a shocker on me.

“Mom, who is your Mommy going to be now that Grandma is up in heaven?”

I knew he had probably been thinking about that question since the bug man’s inquiry about my Mom. A lump forms in my throat because I miss my Mom and Full Speed’s obvious concern for me makes me feel proud and slightly in awe of him.

“Well, Full Speed, Grandma is still my Mom even though she is in heaven. She will always be my Mom and I am lucky to have her,” I say. I try to say it without breaking down. I mostly succeed.

He kind of accepts what I say but isn’t entirely convinced. I can see the wheels turning in his head. I imagine that when he’s a bit older, he may have a full-out campaign to find me a Mom. Get your resumes ready ladies; I imagine this kid is going to be a tough one to impress.