Category: self-discovery

children, kids, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery, self-image/self-acceptance

The Question

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Once in a blue moon a question is posed that makes you seriously evaluate the direction your life has taken.

In an attempt to consistently utilize my remaining brain cells, most have left the building since motherhood, I participate in a monthly book club.  The conversation never stays on topic and that is one of the reasons I enjoy it so much.

“I’ve never understood why stay-at-home Moms have college degrees?  Why would someone spend all that time and money on an education and not use it?”

This was the question that gave me serious pause.

The person posing the question obviously did not know that the woman seated next to her (me!) was one such stay-at-home Mom ‘wasting’ my college degrees.  Apparently, I had fooled her in to thinking I was highly educated and gainfully employed.  In her opinion, one cannot exist without the other.

Oh, I’m sure I could’ve gone off on a rant to defend the choices in my life.  I didn’t see the point.  Her opinion was solidly formed and the other women of the group heatedly joined in with their two cents.

When I left the group later that evening I realized that the question, however personally I may or may not have taken it, doesn’t matter.

As with any path we choose in life, as long as we are comfortable with who we are, no question, person or judgment will tear it asunder.

children, health, kids, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery, Taekwondo

Everywhere

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I was sitting off to the side of T.Puzzle’s tae kwon do practice.  With the help of a babysitter, and let’s be real here for a moment, a good babysitter is to a frazzled Mom what wine is to a frazzled Mom, I can take each boy to skill appropriate classes.  T.Puzzle remains in Tiny Tigers and Full Speed attends high-ranking juniors classes.

I was trying my best to blend into the background.  I’m usually exhausted at this point having wrangled all the gear, uniforms, behavior reports, etc. and all I want is quiet oblivion.

The instructor is always trying to get us parents out on the mat.  It’s not my cup of tea, it’s more Mad Dog’s style, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.  To gain more parent involvement, the instructor brilliantly uses the kids now to request help from their Mom or Dad.  No Mom in their right mind would deny their three year old’s request of, “Ma’am?  Would you please hold a target for me?”  Between his saucer-like eyes and killer dimples, T.Puzzle got me out on the mat in about two seconds flat.

I start helping him with his drills.  He’s ducking my moving target, he’s throwing punches and generally doing a fantastic job.

Then he stops.  His arms fall to his sides and he becomes motionless.   He stares up at me.

I have no idea what he thinks he’s doing.

“Mom, I want to give you a kiss,” he states.

So, he leans forward, tilts his head upward and plants a smooch.

He doesn’t skip a beat.  He immediately reverts back to his punches and his fighting stance.

I continue with the drills even though I am changed somehow.

I am reminded of the constant, indestructible nature of love.  It is whole and beautiful and if you take a moment to breathe, you will find it right beneath the surface of everything. Even under the surface of tae kwon do drills.

Love is everywhere.

gratitude, happiness, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

Choices

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In life you can’t choose your family.   You are born into a family and all its complicated dynamics whether you are ready for it or not.  If you decide at some point to have children of your own, the only thing you control is who you choose to help you parent this family.   Sometimes, circumstances make this choice seem impossible as well.

So what can you do?

You could spend your days wishing you were someone else.

Or, you could look at your life, accept it for what it is and be thankful for the ways, even the smallest ways, that you can make a choice.

Today, I am choosing to look at all the ways that my life and family are good.  I can say I am truly thankful to have two, wild rambunctious boys that keep my life crazy but ultimately undeniably interesting.  I am thankful to have a true partner in Mad Dog.  To know he’s got my back will carry me through anything.

I realized if all I do is look at my life as a disaster, then that is exactly what I will find.

If I choose to look at how amazing it is in this very moment, that might be exactly what I find, too.

What choice would you make?

children, gratitude, humor, kids, life in pictures, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

My Bucket List

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I was at my book club last night discussing our latest novel when I brought up the subject of a bucket list.  The themes of the story we read appropriately sparked asking the group ‘what’s on your bucket list?’  Most had an idea and most were travel related.

I had nothing.  I have no list.  I can only think as far as to what to feed my kids for their next meal.

My husband has dreams and goals.  Some are football related, others have to do with career success and preparing for our family’s financial future.

Even my boys are goal-directed.  T.Puzzle is looking forward to going to kindergarten when the time comes and Full-Speed has his sights set on learning to read and write (or his version of writing).

And, me?  I got nothing.

I have nowhere to travel (the thought overwhelms me, who would watch my kids anyway? And to take them with? That’s not travel, that’s what we call ‘over-time’ in Mommy-speak), no career goals (unless you count keeping my children alive on a daily basis as a goal) and no idea what my future holds.

This is not a complaint.  It is an observation.  Motherhood inevitably blurs the line of your identity with your children.  You are forced to put yourself on the back burner.  I understand that and it has taken many years (some days are better than others mind you) to be at peace with it.

So essentially what I’m saying is, for the sake and value of my own self, that my number one item on my bucket list is to…

make a bucket list.

children, grief, kids, life in pictures, loss of parent, marriage, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

Love & Birthdays

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Happy 6th birthday, Full Speed!

 

I am having many mixed feelings about Full Speed’s sixth birthday today.  I am excited for him and happy his remarkable growth and change are being marked in such a celebratory way.  The challenge is not having my Mom here to help me celebrate or to share in all the wonderful milestones Full Speed has achieved in the past year.

It was hard enough that she wasn’t here to offer support and guidance when he started kindergarten.  Now, with each passing year, Full Speed is growing into who he is meant to be and she won’t be able to see it.   I wish she could because this kid is only getting better with age.

As the distance grows from the last point in which my Mom was in my life, it is ever more shocking to my system that she really isn’t coming back.

I’d also like to apologize to Mad Dog for my extra crazy, unpredictible moods as of late.  I am in the last stages of processing my Mom’s absence and while I will never fully let her go, I will move forward in a more even-handed manner.  I promise.

All I can do is my absolute best.  I will celebrate the good times in my present and honor the sadness as it floats up from my past.

I am grateful for the time that I had with my Mom.  I believe the joy I have managed to create in my own little corner of the world is possible through her choices and example.   I watched and I learned.  I made some different choices of my own.  Most importantly, I was loved.

Thanks, Mom.