Category: self-discovery

children, kids, life in pictures, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery

King of Love

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Just when you think you are out of the woods, reality will come back and smack you in the face.  I like to believe that the physical/hands-on part of raising my boys is getting easier.  And it is.  Yet there are still moments when I look into the eyes of my offspring and all I see is a never-ending pool of need.

I had picked up T.Puzzle midday from school.  He needed his booster shot for the flu vaccine.  We were miraculously in and out of the doctor’s office in ten minutes flat (no lie!).   We had time to kill until we picked up Full Speed from kindergarten.  We headed to the park.

T.Puzzle was doing great, climbing everywhere and tumbling down the slides.  I was enjoying myself reveling in the freedom of being able to step back and watch him.   Suddenly he runs towards me holding his bottom.

Uh oh.  The holding of the bottom is never a good sign.

“I needa use the bathroom!” he exclaims.

Of course he does.  Of course we are at a park with no operational toilet facilities.  Of course. Of course.

I grab him and sprint to the car, he’s miffed at me because he is leaving the fun.  I get him strapped in as quickly as possible and hightail it to a nearby Burger King.  We race to the bathroom and make it in the nick of time.

While in the stall I have a moment where I feel the frustration rise.  The seemingly endless inconvenient potty moments specific to early childhood are getting to me.  The feeling that no matter how far I’ve come in motherhood, I am still a slave to my children and their needs.  I look at T.Puzzle.  He looks at me.

“I really love you, Mommy.  I really love you all the times,” he says.

Oh, so that’s why it’s a good thing your kids can learn to talk.  When they are this small and verbal  sometimes they say the perfect thing when you need to hear it the most.  T.Puzzle helped shift me out of my frustration and focus on what’s important.  And no, I’m not talking about improving the cleanliness of Burger King’s bathrooms because clearly this is an issue, too.  It’s about remembering when you are up to your Mommy-eyeballs in dealing with the needs of everyone but yourself, that you do it out of love.  If you hang in there, make a good effort and keep your intentions clear, you will make it through.

I love you all the times, too, T.Puzzle.

 

T.Puzzle earns a star for good behavior at Tae Kwon Do.

 

 

Mad Dog and Full Speed lend a hand out on the mat.

 

children, gratitude, happiness, life in pictures, marriage, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery, self-image/self-acceptance

Yes and No

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My gut reaction is always ‘no’.  I do not like to be spontaneous.  I like plans and think that sticking to them prevents meltdowns and unnecessary drama.  This is my weak attempt at controlling life.  Do routines and plans give me comfort?  Yes.  Do these routines and plans always work out how I want them to? No.

Part of evolving as a woman and a parent you have to look at yourself and try to make some changes.  You have to look at all parts of the whole.  Some of these parts are not so great.  How do you know when you’ve found a not so great part?  When you examine it you feel uncomfortable in the pit of your stomach.  That uneasy feeling is your signal you’ve hit pay dirt.

My hidden issue is control.  Growing up I learned to endure an often challenging environment by becoming an impossible perfectionist.  Spontaneity doesn’t really jive with this.

So, why did I marry someone like Mad Dog?  He is at heart a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy.

I married him because somewhere deep down I knew my cookie-cutter ways needed to be challenged.

Yesterday when we were on our way to the outlet mall to buy Full Speed some long pants Mad Dog said, “Let’s see if we can find you a dress and take the boys to a nice dinner.”

Oh, well let me tell you every part of my being screamed ‘no!’.  I was in exercise gear, no make-up and hair disastrously unwashed (I was wearing a baseball cap no less!).  I tried to imagine finding a flattering dress, trying it on, having it actually fit all the while keeping my boys from wreaking insane havoc on the store and its patrons.  I started to sweat, my heart rate increased and my anxiety shot through the roof.

But, I didn’t say no.

I made the conscious effort to know this is my first instinct, and while it has been my coping mechanism in the past, my life is such that I don’t need ‘no’ as a crutch in the same way.

Okay, there was one point when I was agonizing over the size and color of the dress and T.Puzzle and Full Speed were running boisterous laps that I was about ready to throw my hands up in defeat.  Instead I pushed through.  I found a dress, we grabbed some nice shirts for Mad Dog and the boys and went and had a fancy ocean side dinner.

Change is good.  In fact, it’s ocean breeze-awsome scallops-good wine-great company fantastic.

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children, gratitude, happiness, humor, kids, life in pictures, mommyhood, motherhood, parenting, self-discovery, self-image/self-acceptance

Perfect

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When Mad Dog is out of town for work, I decide this is the time in which not only do I have to be supermom, but I have to do it perfectly.  My belief system, as crazy as it sounds, deems it necessary that if I can keep my boys happy and smiling while Mad Dog is away, then I must be doing my ‘job’ right.

Let me say it right now.  This is insane.

So what if Full Speed is angry I made him wear a jacket to school this morning (it was cold, yes, 60 degrees in Florida is considered cold)?  So what if T.Puzzle pouts because I didn’t have his favorite kind of pancake readily available for breakfast (Confetti Pancakes by Aunt Jemima in case you are wondering)?  Oh, and let’s not forget my minor meltdown because Full Speed’s new teacher scheduled an open house with only three days notice.  It took a phone call to my sister who thankfully answered to tell me what to do.  It was so simple.  Skip karate, have Mad Dog’s Dad watch the boys and go to the open house alone.  Brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant.

Why didn’t I see this simple solution?  Because my inner perfect Mommy critic told me I needed to take my boys to karate like I promised Mad Dog.  He didn’t know there was an open house when he left and neither did I. For some reason, I couldn’t deviate from my original plan.  My sister gave me the permission I needed so I could.

Thank goodness my sister was a voice of calm reason.  I guess that’s why if you are lucky enough to have one, you are infinitely blessed because they can come through for you in the most unexpected and very appreciated ways.

Maybe I can let my inner critic soften a little bit or at least offer her a shot of tequila (I mean loosen up, girl!), and stop looking at how I am falling short of perfection.  I need to flip my belief system upside down.

How about all the times Full Speed and T.Puzzle shared a genuine giggle with me while Mad Dog is away?  Or how ‘Dust Buster Tag’ is their new favorite pasttime (my floors are cleaner for it)?  Or how about the basic fact that they are clothed, fed, bathed and quite simply loved (even when they are angry and/or pouting)?

Love is patient, love is kind…, it’s anything you want it to be except perfect.

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Diamond Days

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Maybe I’m not in the greatest mood.  Maybe things haven’t gone exactly my way this week.  Maybe Mad Dog is traveling and Full Speed and T.Puzzle brought their full court press tonight.

Maybe I need to write about something that makes me smile before my mood gets to the point of no return.  Or I could just post this:

Maybe I need to admit that not every day or every week is a diamond.   Maybe tomorrow or the next day will be better and be exactly what I need.  Or maybe, just maybe, what I have right here, right now, even though it feels kind of weighted and difficult, is exactly what I need because I might just learn something.

children, gratitude, kindergarten, mommyhood, parenting, self-discovery

The Kindergarten Blues

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Yes, kindergarten is great.  In fact it is fantastic.

Full Speed is awarded a certificate for good behavior. Apparently when you adore kindergarten, you behave.

Then why do I feel so miserable?

Full Speed has said, and granted we are only on week two, that he ‘loves kindergarten’.

“Do you miss me when you are at school?” I ask him pointedly.

“Nope,” is his concise and honest reply.

There is a tiny part of my fragile mommy-ego that is actually able to rejoice that ‘school is cool’ for Full Speed.  I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to send him if he was unhappy about it.

What gets me the most (like a dagger through my heart) is when I roll down the window and shout, “Have a great day, Full Speed,” and then he cheerfully replies, “you, too Mom!”  I can’t quite explain why I get so weepy about this.  It’s something about his smooth confidence and the way he commands the sidewalk as he marches to the door.  He looks so grown-up.  My heart becomes filled with pride, sadness and a longing for yesteryear.  From the outside all that is happening is kindergarten drop-off.  From my inside view, it is the beginning of Full Speed officially breaking free of me.

Once I put the tissues away (be kind and at least allow for another week), I will embrace this new phase and support Full Speed however I can.

Whether he misses me during the day or not.

Where did the time go, Full Speed???


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